I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
