Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
