the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
