at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
