I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
