I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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