I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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