I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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