I just pynch a tree in the face
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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