i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
