Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
