Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
dude. I can hear the air.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
