I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
