my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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