I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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