the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
