peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
