Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
