hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
