she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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