I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We need a shit load of segways right now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
