they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
