I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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