Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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