DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
