who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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