Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I deserve this hangover.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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