i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
