I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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