I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
