Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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