Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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