mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
