i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
