I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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