Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
