Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
