SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
