I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
