It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
