Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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