this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
