The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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