So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
