What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
