JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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