Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
