So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
