Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
