fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize