EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
