Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
